If you haven’t heard, there is a lot of emphasis in the actor community on appearance.  The majority of stars are gorgeous, thin, tall, and pleasing to the eye.  Anyone else: is in the category of a “character actor.”  I’m guessing that anyone who is average looking or shaped is put into a sub-par level in the industry.  I am here to put a stop to “normal person discrimination.”  I have developed  THE AVERAGE ACTORS WORK OUT GUIDE.  Step number 1:  Lets talk about empty calories.  I’m assuming as some of us artists got older, we were unaware of the cute little lbs. we can pack on due to certain alcoholic beverages.  You no longer can enjoy glasses of wine and beer as you weep over your rejection from auditions and the fact you no longer can do a dance split (I may or may not be talking about myself).  I recommend sticking with straight vodka (only 80 calories per ounce) and getting your wastey pants on faster so you don’t drink as much.  Step number 2:  Before you indulge in your liquid treats, use them in your exercise routine.  Whether you secretly bring home a case of Miller Lite or a Box O’ Wine, you can be using these items as weight lifts.  Before you put the boxes in your fridge make the best of the situation and do 3 to 4 reps of bicep curls to get those Madonna cut arms.  Forget Tracy Anderson.

Step number 3:  Don’t forget how you worked out as a child.  I recommend you hit up your local park and challenge some 8 year olds in a Swing Set competition.  Place your bum bum on a swing and remember the times you tried to pump your legs so high that you could possibly flip over the top bar of the swing set.  I have been practicing late at night when kids are asleep.  I believe it gives me an edge against the youth and I get quality time without being disturbed during my workout.  Step number 4:  This is not for the weak so, I recommend hitting the black market of your local inner city neighborhood and getting yourself a “tape worm.”  Its an old Russian concept on how to connect with your inner mental and physical pain.  Truly how hard can it be and if the results are rewarding, what more could you want?  Lastly Step number 5:  This is for my fellow Vegans/Vegetarians who have difficulty in finding a good meal plan.  Dear friends, you are in luck because it is Spring and that means plants are in bloom.  If you are an artist of some sort that usually means your wallets are tight and indulging on vegetables from the local Farmers’ Market can be a dream not easily obtained.  I have the answer for you.  Many people over look these gorgeous weeds but, dandelions, as well as honeysuckles make for a good source of supplements and they are free.  I remember eating them as a kid and I seem to have turned out alright.  Look at me now…I have just created my own Dietary Program for those in need.  Enjoy! xo p.s.–The Surgeon General did not approve this program.  This is not a real, please don’t try this.